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A brisk correspondent writes to us that she finds
our restrictions as to the etiquette which single
women should follow somewhat embarrassing. Being now
thirty-five, and at the head of her father's house,
with no intention of ever marrying, she asks if she
requires a chaperon; if it is necessary that she
should observe the severe self-denial of not
entering an artist's studio without a guardian
angel; if she must never allow a gentleman to pay
for her theatre tickets; if she must, in short,
assume a matron's place in the world, and never
enjoy a matron's freedom.
From her letter we can but believe that this young
lady of thirty-five is a very attractive person, and
that she does "not look her age." Still, as she is
at the head of her father's house, etiquette does
yield a point and allows her to judge for herself as
to the proprieties which must bend to her. Of course
with every year of a woman's life after twenty-five
she becomes less and less the subject of
chaperonage. For one thing, she is better able to
judge of the world and its temptations; in the
second place, a certain air which may not be less
winning, but which is certainly more mature, has
replaced the wild grace of a giddy girlhood. She
has, with the assumption of years, taken on a
dignity which, in its way, is fully the compensation
for some lost bloom. Many people prefer it.
But we must say here that she is not yet, in
European opinion, emancipated from that guardianship
which society dispenses with for the youngest widow.
She must have a "companion" if she is a rich woman;
and if she is a poor one she must join some party of
friends when she travels. She can travel abroad with
her maid, but in Paris and other Continental cities
a woman still young-looking had better not do this.
She is not safe from insult nor from injurious
suspicion if she signs herself "Miss" Smith, and is
without her mother, an elderly friend, a companion,
or party.
In America a woman can go anywhere and do almost
anything without fear of insult. But in Europe,
where the custom of chaperonage is so universal, she
must be more circumspect.
As to visiting an artist's studio alone, there is in
art itself an ennobling and purifying influence
which should be a protection. But we must not forget
that saucy book by Maurice Sand, in which its author
says that the first thing he observed in America was
that women (even respectable ones) went alone to
artists' studios. It would seem wiser, therefore,
that a lady, though thirty-five, should be attended
in her visits to studios by a friend or companion.
This simple expedient "silences envious tongues,"
and avoids even the remotest appearance of evil.
In the matter of paying for tickets, if a lady of
thirty-five wishes to allow a gentleman to pay for
her admission to picture-galleries and theatres she
has an indisputable right to do so. But we are not
fighting for a right, only defining a law of
etiquette, when we say that it is not generally
allowed in the best society, abroad or here. In the
case of young girls it is quite unallowable, but in
the case of a lady of thirty-five it may be
permitted as a sort of _camaraderie_, as one college
friend may pay for another. The point is, however, a
delicate one. Men, in the freedom of their clubs,
recount to each other the clever expedients which
many women of society use to extort from them boxes
for the opera and suppers at Delmonico's. A woman
should remember that it may sometimes be very
inconvenient to young men who are invited by her to
go to concerts and theatres to pay for these
pleasures. Many a poor fellow who has become a
defaulter has to thank for it the lady who first
asked him to take her to Delmonico's to supper. He
was ashamed to tell her that he was poor, and he
stole that he might not seem a churl.
Another phase of the subject is that a lady in
permitting a gentleman to expend money for her
pleasures assumes an obligation to him which time
and chance may render oppressive. With an old
friend, however, one whose claim to friendship is
well established, the conditions are changed. In his
case there can be no question of obligation, and a
woman may accept unhesitatingly any of those small
attentions and kindnesses which friendly feeling may
prompt him to offer to her.
Travelling alone with a gentleman escort was at one
time allowed in the West. A Kentucky woman of that
historic period, "before the war," would not have
questioned the propriety of it, and a Western man of
to-day still has the desire to pay everything,
everywhere, "for a lady."
The increase in the population of the Western States
and the growth of a wealthy and fashionable society
in the large towns have greatly modified this spirit
of unwise chivalry, and such customs are passing
away even on the frontier. Mr. Howells's novel, "The
Lady of the Aroostook," has acquainted American
readers with the unkind criticism to which a young
lady who travels in Europe without a chaperon is
subjected, and we believe that there are few mammas
who would desire to see their daughters in the
position of Miss Lydia Blood.
"An old maid," as our correspondent playfully calls
herself, may do almost anything without violating
etiquette, if she consents to become a chaperon, and
takes with her a younger person. Thus an aunt and
niece can travel far and wide; the position of an
elder sister is always dignified; the youthful head
of a house has a right to assert herself she must do
it therefore etiquette bows to her (as "nice customs
courtesy to great kings").
There is very much in the appearance of a woman. It
is a part of the injustice of nature that some
people look coquettish who are not so. Bad taste in
dress, a high color, a natural flow of spirits, or a
loud laugh have often caused a very good woman to be
misinterpreted. Such a woman should be able to sit
in judgment upon herself; and remembering that in a
great city, at a crowded theatre, or at a
watering-place, judgments must be hasty and
superficial, she should tone down her natural
exuberance, and take with her a female companion who
is of a different type from herself. Calm and cold
Puritanical people may not be more respectable than
the fresh-colored and laughing "old maids" of
thirty-five, but they look more so, and in this
world women must consult appearances. An elderly
girl must ever think how she looks. A woman who at a
watering-place dresses conspicuously, wears a
peignoir to breakfast, dyes her hair, or looks
as if she did, ties a white blond veil over her
locks and sits on a hotel piazza, showing her feet,
may be the best, the most cultivated woman in the
house, but a superficial observer will not think so.
In the mind of every passer-by will lurk the
feeling that she lacks the first grace of womanhood,
modesty and in the criticism of a crowd there is
strength. A man passing such a person, and
contrasting her with modestly dressed and
unobtrusive ladies, would naturally form an
unfavorable opinion of her; and were she alone, and
her name entered on the books of the house as "Miss"
Smith, he would not be too severe if he thought her
decidedly eccentric, and certainly "bad style." If,
however, "Miss" Smith were very plain and quiet, and
dressed simply and in good taste, or if she sat on
the sands looking at the sea, or attended an invalid
or a younger friend, then Miss Smith might be as
independent as she pleased: she would suffer from no
injurious comments. Even the foreigner, who does not
believe in the eccentricities of the English , would
have no word to say against her. A good-looking
elderly girl might say, "There is, then, a premium
on ugliness;" but that we do not mean. Handsome
women can conduct themselves so well that the breath
of reproach need not and does not touch them, and
ugly women may and do sometimes gain an undeserved
reproach.
There are some people who are born with what we
call, for want of a better name, a pinchbeck air.
Their jewelry never looks like real gold; their
manner is always bad; they have the _faux air_ of
fashion, not the real one. Such people, especially
if single, receive many a snub which they do not
deserve, and to a woman of this style a companion is
almost necessary. Fortunately there are almost
always _two_ women who can join forces in traveling
or in living together, and the independence of such
a couple is delightful. We have repeated testimony
in English literature of the pleasant lives of the
Ladies of Llangollen, of the lives of Miss Jewsbury
and Lady Morgan, and of the model sisters Berry. In
our own country we have almost abolished the idea
that a companion is necessary for women of talent
who are physicians or artists or musicians; but to
those who are still in the trammels of private life
we can say that the presence of a companion need not
destroy their liberty, and it may add very much to
their respectability and happiness. There is, no
doubt, a great pleasure in the added freedom of life
which comes to an elderly girl. "I can wear a velvet
dress now," said an exceedingly handsome woman on
her thirtieth birthday. In England an unmarried
woman of fifty is called "_Mrs._," if she prefers
that title. So many delightful women are late in
loving, so many are true to some buried love, so
many are "elderly girls" from choice, and from no
neglect of the stronger sex, that to them should be
accorded all the respect which is supposed to accrue
naturally to the married. "It takes a very superior
woman to be an old maid," said Miss Sedgwick.
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